apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
