I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
