I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
