Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Can I color on your dick again?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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