He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
