overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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