I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
