Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
