I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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