she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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