Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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