Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
