i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
