I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
