There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
