My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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