She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
