I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
