fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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