I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
