Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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