I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
