I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
