I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
