I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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