No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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