True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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