I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
