this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
