I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Randomize
