only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
