why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dear god my vagina.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
