Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
