Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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