You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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