I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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