Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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