I'm going to jail i love you
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i think my cat just said my name.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
