I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
