Your mouth is God's brothel.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I skipped work to stalk him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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