No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it because I queefed?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
