It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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