____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
