Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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