I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
