I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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