I hate all girls vehemently.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
