I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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