my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
try to milk me bitch
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
