it's too hot outside to masturbate.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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