I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
