I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
