just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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