Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
True college students do jello shots in the library
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