every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
