He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
and she was petting her beer can
should my penis look like a turkey
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
