forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
