So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
