life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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