i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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