Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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