It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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