Where did you get a picture of my penis
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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