I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the condom got lost in my hair
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Randomize
