two words...techno handjob
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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