Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
